Every time my son sees his dad, his entire face lights up as he stares and smiles at him. He smiles at me too – but not as much, and certainly not the same way.

In fact, as I write this, I can hear my fiance playing with our son in the living room. He’s giggling. This is something I haven’t been able to make him do.

And you know what? It sucks. Plain and simple. It hurts to feel like my son doesn’t love me – especially considering how much I love him. So, if your babe is also going through a daddy phase, I want you to know that I get it, I understand, and you’re not alone.

People will tell you to be patient; that it’s just a phase… They’re right. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it hurts any less. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to feel this way.

Obviously I wrote this to help you – knowing this kind of stuff helps me – but I understand that it may not. Either way, I just want to remind you that your baby loves you.

So, finally, I’m going to share with you the possible reasons for your baby’s parental preference, as well as ways to bond with your child during this time.

Why Does My Baby Like Their Dad More?

Primary Caregiver

Most babies naturally prefer the parent who’s their primary caregiver, as this is the person they count on to meet their most basic and essential needs. If one parent starts to assume more of this everyday care giving, he or she may become the new favorite.

This is especially true after 6 months, when separation anxiety starts to set in. (read more about this below)

Pregnancy / New Sibling

Some children tend to develop a preference for dad when mom is pregnant. Although your first child still knows that you love them, they may sense that you are temporarily less available. So, naturally, they attach themselves to the parent who seems less preoccupied.

Once the new baby is born, the older child often bonds strongly to dad, who is more available than mom.

Roles

Traditionally, the maternal role is more involved in practical and nurturing aspects, whereas dads add the dimension of play to their child’s world.

Fathers tend to engage differently with the child, which can also add an element of fun to the relationship that the child enjoys.

Relationship Polarization

Relationship polarization is common during the toddler and preschool years. The frontal cortex is not yet fully developed, and they can only really pay attention one relationship at a time.

So, if a child has been with mom all day, once dad comes home,  they’re unable to focus on both parents simultaneously. The child will turn their gaze fully on one parent; and some kids will just land on their father.

No Reason

As unhelpful as this may seem, I feel it’s important to let you know that sometimes these preferences just come and go for no particular reason.

Rest assured, they have no bearing on your future relationships – and your baby may switch back to being all about mom soon.

Defensive Detachment

If you’re a mom with a child going through a daddy phase, it is important that you don’t let your hurt feelings affect your interactions. Acting deflated or pulling away can make the situation worse.

As your child settles into the relationship with their father, as your child settles into the relationship with their father or senses the bond with their mom is damaged in some way. This is called “defensive detachment.”

As the excluded parent, don’t respond in anger, induce guilt, or withdraw. Don’t communicate hurt or disappointment. Remind your child that you love them and try to have some one on one time with them.

Separation Anxiety

This phase of development is linked to object permanence and separation anxiety. While in some ways it has to do with the developing frontal cortex of the brain (which allows the child to make more connections), the phase is also part of a social and emotional development.

There are different phases of attachment and each is related to cognitive and physical development. This daddy phase is largely a recognition of how some children work through their development.

For example, a toddler who has developed confidence and independence has the physical and cognitive capacity to understand that although mom is not with me right now, I know that she will return and be here later.

The cognitive and physical development of a toddler allows them to have what is called an internal representation of the attachment figure. This allows them to feel secure enough to explore other relationships.

Independence

Very young children cannot differentiate themselves from their primary caregiver (who is usually mom) until they’re around two years old. This is when their sense of self begins to develop, so it’s not unusual for toddlers to reject their mothers in favor of their father at this point.

Once they realize that they are a separate person, there’s a whole world of other people to explore. This is when dad becomes fascinating, because the child has been ‘part of mom’ for so long and is so used to her presence. Dad is suddenly novel and interesting.

Dad plays a big role at this point, as he helps the child negotiate their way around separating from mom and gaining a sense of independence. A paternal preference is a healthy representation that your child is independent, has developed a sense of self, and is ready to develop other relationships.

How Do I Get Through This Phase?

Regardless of the reason, you can – and should – still enjoy bonding time with your baby, even when they’re pining away for dad. Here’s how…

• When they push you away in favor of dad, avoid acting hurt or rejected as this can confuse your baby. Just let them know that you love them and that you’re ready to play when they are.

• Do things as a family. Of course this means making plans and going on outings but it also includes having your significant other invite you to join in on activities that the two of them are doing.

• The favored parent should encourage the child to engage with the other parent without being forceful. A good way to do this is to have dad tell fun stories about mom.

• Each partner should do their share of the baby-care and such chores, so that everyone can enjoy the fun tasks like playtime. Assign certain duties to one or the other parent and calmly stick to the routine until boundaries are established.

• Make sure you have alone time with your baby when your significant other is not around. When you do have one-on-one time with your baby, stray from the usual routine.

• Don’t eyeball the clock. If you and baby are having fun, there’s no need to cut it short just to keep things on schedule. It’s okay if dinner is late or if laundry gets put off until tomorrow.

• Find a game or a joke that becomes your special thing. You can also try non-verbal play like cuddling or tickling games as they increase oxytocin (aka the love drug) which will naturally stimulate attachment.

• You should allow your child to be infatuated with their father – but still show that you’re in control too. Don’t give in to every demand that your partner take over.

• Couples should be sure to talk to each other about their feelings so that each can be mindful of the situation.  Be aware of your parenting roles and try not to reinforce any behaviors of preference.

• Make sure your child sees you both interacting in a positive way. Showing a united front will prevent an ‘us against her’ dynamic from developing. Diffusing any potential confrontations with your child is also very important.

In the end, the focus of a good mom should be the well-being of her child. Our kids happiness, health, and yes, even their strong affection for their dad, proves that we’ve done a good job.

Our job, together, is to be the best parents we can be – this comes with accepting that our partner does some things better. So what if our kids are happier when dad is around. We are too. Things are more fun when daddy is around; isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?