Though we know that separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of childhood development, it can be unsettling. But understanding what your child is going through and having a few coping strategies ready can help you and your little one get through it.
About Separation Anxiety
Babies actually adapt pretty well to other caregivers. As long as their needs are being met, most babies (especially those younger than 6 months) adjust easily to other people.
Between the ages of 4-7 months, babies develop a sense of object permanence. This means they’re learning that things and people exist even when they’re out of sight. Your baby will realize that when they can’t see mom and dad, it means that they’ve gone away.
Unfortunately, they don’t understand the concept of time. So they don’t know when mom will come back, which can cause them to become upset by her absence. Whether mom is cooking in the kitchen, going to the washroom, or working at the office, it’s all the same to the baby, who might cry until mom is in sight again.
Kids between 8 months and 1 year old are growing into independent toddlers – yet they could be even more uncertain about being separated from a parent. If this is the case, they are likely developing separation anxiety, which is very common around this age. This could mean that your child will become agitated and upset when you or dad try to leave. Your child may react by crying, clinging to you, and resisting any attention from others.
As is the case with all things baby, the timing of separation anxiety can vary. Some children might go through it later, between the ages of 1 ½ and 2 ½ years old. Some never experience it. And for others, certain life stresses can trigger feelings of anxiety about being separated from a parent. Such stressors include, but are not limited to, a new child care situation or caregiver, a new sibling, moving to a new house, or a source of tension at home.
How Long Does Separation Anxiety Last?
How long separation anxiety lasts can vary, depending on both the child and how their parents respond. In a small number of cases, depending on the child’s temperament, separation anxiety can last from infancy all the way through the elementary school years.
Separation anxiety is different from the normal feelings older kids have when they don’t want a parent to leave – which can usually be overcome if the child is distracted enough. And kids this age do understand the effect that their actions have on their parents. Meaning, if you run back into the room every time your child cries, your child will continue to use that tactic to avoid separation.
Is My Child Experiencing Separation Anxiety or Separation Anxiety Disorder?
Intense separation anxiety that lasts into elementary school or beyond, and interferes with a child’s daily activities, please discuss it with your doctor. It could be a sign of a more serious condition known as separation anxiety disorder.
Talk with your doctor if your child has any signs, including:
- Panic symptoms (such as nausea, vomiting, or shortness of breath) or panic attacks before a parent leaves
- Nightmares about separation
- Fear of sleeping alone (although this is a common fear even in kids who don’t have separation anxiety)
- Excessive worry about being lost or kidnapped
- Excessive worry about going places without a parent
* If separation anxiety appears seemingly out of nowhere, it may be an indication that there is another problem, like bullying or abuse.
Making Goodbyes Easier
These tips can help make goodbyes easier for both kids and parents:
Timing is everything.
If possible, try starting daycare or childcare before your child is 8 months or after your child is 1 year old. Why? Because it is between these ages is when separation anxiety is first likely to appear. Also, try not to leave when your child is tired, hungry, or otherwise disgruntled. A great way to do this would be to schedule your departures for right after naps and feeds.
Practice.
Practice being apart from each other as well as introducing new people and new places. If you plan to leave your child with someone new – whether they’re a relative or babysitter – invite them over in advance. If your child is starting at a new daycare or preschool, be sure to visit a few times together before your child begins attending full-time. This way, the new caregiver will get to spend time with your child while you’re still in the room. You should also practice by leaving your child with the caregiver for short periods of time so that your little one can get used to being away from you.
Be calm and consistent.
Create an exit routine, during which you say a pleasant and loving – but also firm – goodbye. Stay calm and show your child that you have confidence in them and the caregiver. You may need to reassure him or her that you’ll be back for them. If so, try to explain when you’ll return using concepts that they will understand (and an example of this would be after lunch). Be sure to give your child your full attention when saying your goodbyes. Finally, and possibly most importantly, when you say that you’re leaving, mean it. Coming back will only make things worse.
Follow through on promises.
It’s critical that you return when you promised to. Why is this so important? Because this is how your child will develop the confidence that they can make it through their time apart from you.
Caring For A Child With Separation Anxiety
If you’re the one caring for another person’s child who’s having separation anxiety, try to distract the child with an activity, toys, songs, games, or anything else that’s fun. You may have to keep trying until something clicks with the child.
Also, try not to mention the child’s mother or father, but do answer the child’s questions in a simple and straightforward way. A good example of this would be telling the child that “Mommy and Daddy are going to be back as soon as they are done dinner.” Then distract them by saying, “let’s play with some toys!”
What You Might Feel
Separation anxiety is likely causing you to feel a variety of emotions. Of course, it’s nice to feel that your child is finally as attached to you as you are to them. But you’re also likely to feel guilty about taking time for yourself, leaving your child with a caregiver, or going to work. On top of that, you might start to feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention your child seems to need from you. All of this is normal.
Keep in mind that your little one’s unwillingness to leave you is a good sign that the two of you have developed healthy attachments to one another. Eventually, your child will be able to remember that you always return after you leave, and that will comfort them while you’re gone. This also gives kids a chance to develop coping skills and some independence.
As hard as it may be to leave a child who’s crying for you, it’s important to have confidence that the caregiver can handle it. By the time you get to your car, your child has probably calmed down and started playing with their caregiver or toys.
Tips For Parents Struggling With Separation Anxiety
We know separation anxiety is a natural part of development for babies and kids. But I feel that it’s important to acknowledge that they aren’t the only ones who feel uncomfortable when mom or dad leaves.
Most parents feel some level of anxiety about saying goodbye too. It can be especially intense in the first year, when we worry so much about safety, feeding, sleeping, and so on. And this feeling may be more intense for a stay-at-home parent, who rarely – if ever – gets any breaks from their kids.
If you find yourself struggling with separation, here are some tips you may want to consider:
Allow yourself to feel anxious.
Separation anxiety is the other side of the attachment coin; a healthy bond with your child means a certain degree of discomfort when they’re not with you. It shouldn’t be a goal to get rid of worry or doubt – in fact, nerves are part of our parenting instinct and they help us make good decisions.
Know that other caregivers do things differently.
You’ve spent months or years getting to know your little one and perfecting your approach. So, one of the tough parts about leaving your child is the fear that no one else knows the secrets. And you may be right, but kids are surprisingly adaptive. Even as tiny babies, they know the game is different when someone else is in charge. Dad, grandma, or a babysitter – it may surprise you how well those people will find their own way.
Separation is an important part of attachment.
It’s healthy for your baby to be taken care of by multiple caregivers. As humans evolved, we parented in communities, passing our kids around and sharing responsibilities. Allowing kids to trust and be cared for by other people only boosts their feeling of community and sense that the world is a safe place.
Taking time for yourself isn’t just for fun, it’s for your health.
If, in the early months, leaving your baby makes you miserable, then don’t do it. But as your child grows, it’s not only natural – but healthy to start putting pieces of your own life back in the equation. Whether that means lunch with a friend, going to the gym, or having a date night; know that these aren’t just frills. Taking care of yourself is important for both you and your child.
Look behind the guilt.
Guilt is a common emotion for parents, but it’s not a very useful one. In fact, feeling guilt over being away from your child can be a way of not dealing with other things, like your own independence, working on your relationship, engaging in career, important hobbies, and so on. Acknowledge your guilt but don’t let it become your emotional hideout.
Final Words
When you have a baby, one of the reasons separation causes anxiety is that it’s new, but that unfamiliarity will dissipate over time. Just know that attachment doesn’t always mean physically being there. That’s why research shows that kids in quality daycare are just as securely attached.
Just remember that you’ll feel more confident the more times you leave and come back to find that things went well. And your child’s bond to you will grow through the consistent message that you always come back.